REAL HOT BITCHES

REAL HOT BITCHES DANCE TROUPE Words - Kate Forsyth

Photos - Bridgette Cole

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On a rainy night at a Thornbury church hall, I channelled Marlon Brando and went all method actor for my Melbourne Arts Club assignment to write about hilarious Melbourne dance troupe, the Real Hot Bitches(RHB), who take their love of lycra and eighties dance moves and songs to a whole other plane.

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Wearing a lycra head band, face glitter and very briefly, a g-string leotard (or g-tard as the RHBs call them), I fronted up, learned a choreographed dance to Blondie’s Call Me, and performed my freakin’ heart out. The bitches tell me this is called ‘bitching out’ and at the close of the dance practice, I was proclaimed a Real Hot Bitch by head bitch mistress Teleeesheah Sunrize .

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Afterwards, I caught up with Teleeesheah Sunrize to get informed about this group of mullet-wigged leotard worshippers. We cover the big issues of lycraddiction, reclaiming the word bitch, thrusting and being sacrabitchous.

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Kate Forsyth: Someone once told me at a party that I had one dance move - the pelvic thrust - plus my husband is from Wellington, the home of the Real Hot Bitches. Does this make me a perfect candidate for the RHBs?

Teleeeshah Sunrize: Shit yes! Come share your thrusting moves with us.

KF: After coming to life in Wellington, when did the bitch passion start in Melbourne?

TS: The Melbourne passion started in 2008 with Molly Moonshine. She was originally in the Wellington troupe. When she moved to Melbourne she missed the dance passsion and the feeling of a g-tard up her butt so she started up a branch here.

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KF: Every great organisation is driven by compelling vision and mission statements. Actually, visions and missions are two thirds of the corporate axis of evil. Instead, tell us what drives the bitches to be so hot?

TS: The Wellington bitches started with three main points in their mission statement. 1. Whatever we lack in technique we make up for in passion.

2. To leave no dance stone unturned and, interestingly,

3. It's a dance club that has no intention of ever performing in public!

Obviously we all got too hot and we could not deny the public of our sheer hotness and explosive dance moves.

Besides the original intention to not perform public, the mission is still the same. We are not a dance class, but rather a club of hot bitches. We firmly believe everyone can channel their inner hot bitch and The Real Hot Bitches provide the passssion, glitter, epic routines and bitchspiration for that magic to happen. No auditions, no joining rules, just come and dance and/or thrust.

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KF: One suspects the bitches pray vigilantly at the altar of the 80s. What are your influences and inspirations?

TS: Our first and foremost bitchspiration is the bitches that came and bitched before us. Candy Le Coque and RockIt who founded Real Hot Bitches are the hottest bitches known to bitch and we worship their every dance move. Molly Moonshine, original founder and head bitch of Melbourne, has some serious passionate facials we all aspire too. Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Prince, David Bowie and Axle Rose are pretty high up there in hotness.

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KF: Are you addicted to lycra? If so, what parts of your life suffer as a result of your debilitating lycraddiction?

TS: Yes definitely. When I first started bitching I had one lycra drawer, but now it takes up my entire wardrobe and spills out onto the floor. I blame Molly Moonshine for all the bitches’ addictions. She is constantly saying 'MORE IS MORE' when giving us advice on working our lycra layers before a show.

Life never suffers with a lycraddiction; that would be sacribitchous to say it does. Let's just say going to the toilet quickly is not an easy task. Too many layers! No time for a nervous pre-show wee for this troupe. No time for modesty either...if there is a toilet line, running out to the bushes of the Safeway carpark and stripping off all layers whilst mothers push their trolley past for some late night shopping is sometimes your only option.

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KF: I hear there is a divide in the bitches about old school lycra vs. cool new stuff from places such as Black Milk. Are you East Germany or West Germany on this issue?

TS: We’re an 80s dance troupe; we seek out the pure legit 80s lycra. It's perfectly wrong, but oh-so-right mish mash of gaudy colours that we desire, and only the powers of the 80s can provide.

KF: What's the best thing about the Real Hot Bitches?

TS: The very best thing is blasting epic hits of the 80s and channelling the passion of a true rock god or goddess every Tuesday.

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KF: What was the biggest surprise about becoming a bitch?

TS: That inner bitch comes out of nowhere! One of the new bitches last week, who I mistook as quiet and perhaps would need some more inner bitch guidance, came up to me and asked what was the crudest bitching name we had so far.

I struggled to start listing them because this question took me by surprise. She cut me off from my vague stumbling attempt at an answer and said: 'Has any one got Flaps? What about Flap Salad?'  SO GOOD!

Fluro mesh gloves from Hot Potatoes Discount store: $2.50. New bitch claiming 'Flap Salad' as her bitching name: fucking priceless!!

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KF: What's your advice to prospective bitches?

TS: You don't need lycra, you don't need to be a show pony, you don't need to be coordinated. Just come along to an Open Practice and we will welcome you with open lycra clad arms (sometimes those arms will be covered with batwing sleaves! Even better!).

We can lend you lycra and smear your face with glitter if so desired. You can cruise up the back and only do the moves you want to do or push your way to the front and go hard out. We provide the space for dance dreams to come true and inner bitches to be unleashed, but you can work it to suit your bitching needs.

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KF: Hit me with your best bitch story.

TS: Oooh so many! I've been bitching out for seven years now.

The best stories are the recruitment stories. I was recruited by Molly Moonshine on the 96 tram when I was wearing full body lycra on the way to photograph a circus theme night.

Kitty Bang saw us at our first ever gig in late 2008 but was so jealous she wasn't on stage with us right then and there she couldn’t watch and had to leave the room. It took her another four years to finally bust a move with us.

Fiizzy Bitch was recruited by me at a festival a few years ago. I was standing out on the balcony of the bar and I was a bit lost for dance passion that weekend, I have to be honest. Looking across the camp grounds pondering my next move, wondering where my inner bitch had gone and how I would find it, and along came this hot bitch marching across the oval. She was wearing an 80s Anthea Crawford purple jumper dress, shoulder pads jutting out on either side, ghetto blaster on her shoulder cranking 80s with a plate of triangle sandwiches in hand and a trail of  hot bitches in corporate 80s attire.

They were at a 'corporate conglomerate networking party', obviously. I had found some bitch friends, not all was lost! I ran (without looking too desperate) over to her and tried to talk but she said she was too busy doing her morning jog before her corporate job would start. Hilarious! She was wearing chunky jogging shoes to perfectly clash with her classy corporate purple number. I joined their party and ironically I did actually network them into joining my dance troupe.

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KF: You've reclaimed the word bitch. Tell us about that.

TS: Not according to the Department of Infrastructure who denied us registering our name because it 'contained an offensive word'. We are currently appealing this unpassionate rejection.

The word 'bitch' has been used a lot to put women down, often an attempt to disempower women who are fierce and speak their mind. There are lots of people in this world who feel the need to decide who is to be labelled as 'hot' and who is labelled as a 'bitch'. We are giving that right back to the individual to be hot in their own way and reclaim the word 'bitch' as a way of reclaiming their right to be fierce and confident.

There are boy bitches, girl bitches and whatever bitches; we use it as a non-gendered bad ass term of endearment. It does jar with some people but generally, people quite enjoy turning to the mirror or their number one fan and saying 'Yeah, I'm a real hot bitch.'

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KF: Any final bitchin comments?

Real Hot Bitching is a bit of a joke....that we take very seriously :)

Quick fire numbers questions:

  • How long have you been a bitch? This is my 7th year as an official hot bitch
  • How many bitches are in the troupe? Currently around 25
  • How many performances have you done? I've lost count! Maybe 60
  • How many songs do you have dances to? Around 20 and growing
  • What is the biggest number of bitches in one performance? Our 2012 Fringe Show 'Strictly Bitching' had 23 on stage. At Roller Derby we often fill the stadium with 16 bitches and we are aiming to push it to the limit next time.
  • How long until the bitches take over the universe? There are hot bitches sharing the passion on the dance floor every night and every day all over the world. If you see one tell them they are REAL. HOT. And totally BITCHING.

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Find out more about the Real Hot Bitches:

Facebook: www.facebook.com/rhbmelb

Email: realhotb.tches@gmail.com

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